Do you know that feeling you get when you see or hear something that is amazing and inspiring? Do you get that feeling like time is speeding up, where you hear a buzzing in your ears, and you feel like every molecule in your body has just suddenly sped up somehow? It could be a fantastic song, or a brilliant painting, it could be a particular episode of your favorite show, or even an idea. The very fact of it being in existence, it just delights you. For me, all of those physical responses happen when I find something I LOVE, but also, somehow, they become infused with this pink glow. It’s so hard to explain, but for me, the things that resonate with me, that truly inspire and enrapture me, I can both hear and see a special pink colored glow about them. Like an added sensation of pink.
It’s been like that for as long as I can remember.
When my dad Dick Nelson died, it fried my senses. I couldn’t find the pink in almost anything. I tried. It was like eating with a really bad cold. I was sure that I would enjoy the things I was hearing and seeing, if only I had been able to experience them with my senses intact. I couldn’t experience joy about new things, but sadly, even my old favorite things lacked their usual pink flavor.
It really has been only recently that I have been feeling myself come back online. New things are gaining a pink tinge. Movies, or images, or bands that once gave me a pink tingle are sparking that part of my brain once again. I can feel myself coming back online.
In an effort to chase what remains of the pink glow, and indeed, to feed it, I am thinking about starting a project. Have you heard about the 100 day project? Back in April a group of people set out to make something, anything, for 100 days. The great part about the project is that it’s about the process, not the finished product. It’s about showing up and doing the work for 100 days, and seeing what happens. I was still in a pretty gray space back in April. Besides, I hadn’t heard about the project until about most people were about halfway through. Now though, it is really resonating with me.
I would like to take 100 days to chase the pink glow. I am going to spend 100 days reminding myself of the things that bring me joy. 100 days to remind myself of what delights me, and makes me feel the most like myself.
My goal is to do 100 small gouache paintings. This is super scary to me. I have never considered myself a visual artist. There are a lot of things I feel competent at, but drawing and painting haven’t been on that list since the puberty fairy waved her magic wand and made me doubt most things about myself.
The thing is, for about four months, I have had this incredible urge to paint and draw. If I’m completely honest, it’s been longer than that, it’s just that I’ve been open to receiving the signals more recently. Like I said, when my dad passed away, I just folded in on myself. I haven’t been able to follow any of my passions, or to even feel excited about the things I used to love. Suddenly, I have these little sparks of joy pointing me toward doing this project, and doing it this exact way. I feel like I have to follow these urges if I’m ever going to be joyful again.
I was raised to be a spiritual girl in a new age family. My parents channeled aliens and taught me to follow my intuition like it is a spirit guide. So that’s what I am doing. I seriously feel almost ill about it, and sharing it online and with people in real life is making my stomach leap into my throat. It’s the height of vulnerability for me. I will be sharing things that aren’t perfect. Furthermore, I will be sharing things that emotionally resonate with me, and that’s another layer of vulnerability that if I’m honest, also makes me feel really exposed.
Here’s the thing though, I feel like I have to do it. I don’t know why, and I think that’s ok.
So here I go. I’m gonna chase the pink glow.